Jittery
The past few days have been tough. I've been slipping in and out of myself, questioning why I have to be stuck in this limbo, every new day bringing new meaning to edginess.
My pastor once said my generation suffers from information overload due to our exposure to the internet; social media being our go-to for every update. Torn between being ignorant and knowing what's going on, we expose ourselves to everyone's emotions; taking it all in without room for careful selection.
You're scrolling through your timeline and you see a graphic image of someone hacked to death, burnt, or shot at; you want to know what happened but the story is even much worse than the image. The brutality you realize you're not immune to; you could really just die for being unlucky. Insomnia, overwhelming sadness and everything else hits you.
Today, I saw a police officer wield a pistol pointing to the sky, aiming. He wasn't the only one, as the others looked even more dangerous with their AK-47s slung over their shoulders; waiting for something I couldn't dare wait to find out. I thought I was imagining things but my heart has been racing since then, my fingers trembling and my mind thoroughly messed up.
It's hard to keep it together. Safety, fast becoming an illusion.
"We're okay, we'd be fine"
This is how we keep our sanity together. This is hard for me and a lot of people too. I took an internet break for less than twelve hours but the images still haunted my mind. Fear that it might've been me.
The instinct for survival is sharper than ever, but I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't terrified. Am I coping? Maybe. Is it going to get worse? Well, yes.
There are ways to cope, I believe, but today I just wanted to share my fears with you. To let you know that it's not about shutting it out, but rather reinforcing the importance of having a support system: love, hope.
Cry, if you have to. Also, pray; it helps to keep the hope alive- the only thing that makes living worth it.
Having a support system these periods is key. The more I look, the more I am convinced I certainly committed one grave sin to be here. Lots of things just don't make sense.
ReplyDeleteThanks for helping us put our concerns into words. In times like this, maybe ignorance is really bliss.