Scribblings Of A Dramatic Introvert

  What's your quarantine routine like? 161 days later, I know the world has indeed moved on from the pandemic, yet here I am, talking about it after 23 weeks (feels like 934 weeks, uurrrgghhh). I get asked "So what are you up to?" almost every other day and my handy reply is "Well, I'm living and breathing." Okay well, living things breathe and feed and do those MR NIGER D thingy, although there's not a lot of movement (I'm stuck in my bedroom cell 28/30 days a month), growth(I'm still 5'7 and all round flattened) or reproduction (well, mating isn't permitted yet) going on in my life at the moment. And clearly I'm not dead, so that strikes off the D. The "I" should be emboldened though, because I am soo irritable, but we don't want to talk about that now. Is this a whine about being stuck at home and being helpless about it, without any moral lesson at the end? Hell yes. Should I shut up and accept it? Well, I did that f...

If you want closure, come  get (over) it. A couple of years back, I had this incredible breakup barely one month into dating and although I was the instigator of calling it quits, it felt so awkward and off to just end it that way. For me, I couldn't stand it anymore and felt like I was being strangled into accepting the relationship (although there's details that might not add up if I start with the list now), so I said I wanted out and since he plainly told me there was no option of "taking a break"...Whatever. First set of persons that I told I had broken up with my boyfriend thought I was batshit crazy. "How dare you mess with such a lovely human? What on earth do you want, you unsatisfiable wench?" They went on and on and left me in shock. I thought I did the right thing. I mean, he had flags blazing red before my eyes. (He was really a sweetheart to everyone though, so yeah I was the wench) Anyway, I decided to go down the closure lane, following the a...

I said so many sorrys and forgot what I was apologizing for. It makes everything better when you take responsibility and mutter the word, sorry. I learnt that very early in life, so I mastered the art of apologizing. I accepted my flaws right from being a terrible cook, (or maybe that's what I've been made to believe since I had to apologise for every pinch of salt that exceeded the cut for her taste buds), to being an awful student who never had perfect grades. I get scared before presenting myself to be assessed and when a comment is passed about a stray hair strand outside the bun, I apologise for it- Identity crisis? I say sorry for looking below par and being poor at making myself pretty. I said sorry when he walked over me, and apologized to whoever cared to ask for being so gullible. I said sorry when I tripped and made people ask if I was okay. I said sorry when I choked on water and made everyone worried. I said sorry for not eating a lot and being skinny. I apologized...

There's a whole textbook definition for pain. Yet, the amazing thing is that pain is what the person tells you it is. It's subjective. This time, mine isn't the abstract kind of pain, it's the physical one. I can clearly see what's causing the gut-wrenching screams of ache. My feet is killing me, and my abdomen feels like a knife is being twist in and shoved deeper. My head is ringing and when I place my hands over it, I just want to yank it off, while closely considering the option to slit my wrists to relieve the pain that shoots through my arms. Everywhere is so cold and I can feel the life leaving me. When it sets in (some five minutes every goddamn hour), the pain has a way of messing with everything I think I can normally handle just fine. So many chemical pathways; some poorly understood and others well outlined. The basis of all these is simple: pain eats me up. It makes me forget who I am and what matters to me. I need it to stop so bad, and as I try to not...

2017; It's not second nature, but the only nature you've got. Very much worse than a petty habit; it's your addiction, glued to your oozing skin, reeking of every piss you excrete from your flayed pores. You gotta do what you gotta do- For you it's spinning webs of fables. It's human to err, you say to your dying humanity in defence, yet you seem to have become a god at the art of fable-spinning. I bet you can't recall the last truth you ever told, since every turn in your sick life is a damning lie. I hope the stench of your rotting conscience fills up your nostrils, even as I pray with all my heart it never reaches in time. Probably until your soul is caught up in the tangle of thick blinding webs you've drawn, in your bid to cast a veil over the eyes of unsuspecting victims. I hope you end up clawing at your own throat from the deceit that ever rolls off your tongue. 'Siyah

  Send me lilies...    I caught  my heart racing when I read through your mail. It didn't stop for two full hours, and for the next twenty four hours I couldn't get your face out of my head. I tried, you bet I did. Catchphrase: The trick is to not think about it. So I stopped thinking of everything that could go wrong, and sent you a reply. That wasn't hard, easypeasy; it felt right. I want to write more about you; how I've asked myself what on earth is wrong with me more often than not, or how I wonder who first lost their minds of us both- but I'm just going to dance around the words and come up with gibberish. Send me lilies when you can. Call me. Chardonnay sounds nice. Tastes better. So let's have some one evening in November. Then, I hope to still want nothing more than listen to you laugh and call myself a fool. You asked what I expected when I said hello, I said nothing.  There was nothing to expect, you just were-  White lilies; White is a favourit...

The conversations in my head go this way. Sometimes I have no idea which of me I'm conversing with, but more often than not, she is. "This too shall pass away. Do not panic. It's easy for me to whisper this to you, or try to convince you to focus on nothing but your breathing, but it is what it is. You can't change a lot of things that happen to you.  Choices? A friend once asked if I really believed we had any.  Control? I have none.  So why do you tell me not to panic? It changes nothing, and you know this.  You have no control over your reaction to how bad things may appear. But you have a decision to make, whether or not to spend time thinking about the already made choices, or sunbathing and leaving your life to the tide the heavens choose for you. Are the heavens real? Are they even seven? No, I don't know. You feel better when you don't try so hard to justify it all. Why do you bother about my pathetic reaction to what I have no control over? You're ...