Scribblings Of A Dramatic Introvert

There's a whole textbook definition for pain. Yet, the amazing thing is that pain is what the person tells you it is. It's subjective. This time, mine isn't the abstract kind of pain, it's the physical one. I can clearly see what's causing the gut-wrenching screams of ache. My feet is killing me, and my abdomen feels like a knife is being twist in and shoved deeper. My head is ringing and when I place my hands over it, I just want to yank it off, while closely considering the option to slit my wrists to relieve the pain that shoots through my arms. Everywhere is so cold and I can feel the life leaving me. When it sets in (some five minutes every goddamn hour), the pain has a way of messing with everything I think I can normally handle just fine. So many chemical pathways; some poorly understood and others well outlined. The basis of all these is simple: pain eats me up. It makes me forget who I am and what matters to me. I need it to stop so bad, and as I try to not...

2017; It's not second nature, but the only nature you've got. Very much worse than a petty habit; it's your addiction, glued to your oozing skin, reeking of every piss you excrete from your flayed pores. You gotta do what you gotta do- For you it's spinning webs of fables. It's human to err, you say to your dying humanity in defence, yet you seem to have become a god at the art of fable-spinning. I bet you can't recall the last truth you ever told, since every turn in your sick life is a damning lie. I hope the stench of your rotting conscience fills up your nostrils, even as I pray with all my heart it never reaches in time. Probably until your soul is caught up in the tangle of thick blinding webs you've drawn, in your bid to cast a veil over the eyes of unsuspecting victims. I hope you end up clawing at your own throat from the deceit that ever rolls off your tongue. 'Siyah

  Send me lilies...    I caught  my heart racing when I read through your mail. It didn't stop for two full hours, and for the next twenty four hours I couldn't get your face out of my head. I tried, you bet I did. Catchphrase: The trick is to not think about it. So I stopped thinking of everything that could go wrong, and sent you a reply. That wasn't hard, easypeasy; it felt right. I want to write more about you; how I've asked myself what on earth is wrong with me more often than not, or how I wonder who first lost their minds of us both- but I'm just going to dance around the words and come up with gibberish. Send me lilies when you can. Call me. Chardonnay sounds nice. Tastes better. So let's have some one evening in November. Then, I hope to still want nothing more than listen to you laugh and call myself a fool. You asked what I expected when I said hello, I said nothing.  There was nothing to expect, you just were-  White lilies; White is a favourit...

The conversations in my head go this way. Sometimes I have no idea which of me I'm conversing with, but more often than not, she is. "This too shall pass away. Do not panic. It's easy for me to whisper this to you, or try to convince you to focus on nothing but your breathing, but it is what it is. You can't change a lot of things that happen to you.  Choices? A friend once asked if I really believed we had any.  Control? I have none.  So why do you tell me not to panic? It changes nothing, and you know this.  You have no control over your reaction to how bad things may appear. But you have a decision to make, whether or not to spend time thinking about the already made choices, or sunbathing and leaving your life to the tide the heavens choose for you. Are the heavens real? Are they even seven? No, I don't know. You feel better when you don't try so hard to justify it all. Why do you bother about my pathetic reaction to what I have no control over? You're ...

Life 307 "You don't get what you want , you get what you get."  -Gregory House "Maybe you could've made better decisions." I offered, as Sam opened another bottle and passed it to me.  He nodded, taking a swig straight from the beer bottle in his hand, "I've been told I married the wrong girl. Your mother said she's bad luck."  He was staring at the night sky, reaching his hand to slap at a mosquito drumming in his ears, audible enough for us both to hear and cringe-  a downside to living in the slums of Agege. "I don't think so. Your wife is awesome." I wasn't kidding, Rose was the best woman I had ever met. When I was younger, I created an image of my own future spouse just by looking at her. He scoffed and watched me squeeze my eyes shut as I gulped from my bottle. "It's a mess. My life is riddled with bad luck. Just mine." I opened my eyes and tried to peer into his, under the moonlight. I saw the regret ...

My brother gave me the scar on my left wrist. That was nowhere near his fault. I can't recall what the fight had been about, but it ended with a wrestle with me claiming I could beat him up. The war of superiority. We heard the crash of the ceramic plates- the ones we refused to pack up after lunch- onto the hard tiled floor, as we were locked in on each other, trying to inflict injury on the barest visible flesh on the other contender. I felt the sting of pain, and it was when I started screaming we realized there was blood all over the floor. I got stitches in some hours later. We had a shouting battle a couple of years ago though. There wasn't a turning point after that fight. He bought me a bracelet for my last birthday. He regrets the wrist incidence, even if he never said it. I've never seen him so scared all my life. Even worse, I'd never seen concern so evident on our parents face, but dad is a jolly good man. I told him this evening to practice the walk down th...

Rotting leaves sweep into the dim-lighted room as the cold wind blows hard around the building. I can faintly hear the old nurse lady whisper to the Reverend, "she won't see the morning light." It's been a year since I first felt your presence, Santa Muerte. That bright Sunday morning that brought dusk early, when brother fell and I choked on my tears, begging the Lord for answers. His skin had blackened as his eyes slowly turned out. I was peering down at him, his gaze holding mine, while the life left him. Tonight, I'm going to be the loss. I want to see you as you come for me. To hold your eyes, while I slowly feel my grasp losing from what light is left in me. I can feel my lungs collapse as I hear the distant wheeze. Mine, maybe. Now I understand the phrase, "as you draw your last breath". Hades.  I want to scream, as you wrap your claws around my throat. Pain.  Realization that I am last of our name, and no one left of my bloodline would mourn me. ...